Parrot
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Soddom and Gomorrah - 2007/04/06 03:21
I just wrote this up, it's a loose interpretation of the story of Soddom and Gomorrah (from Genesis 18:20 - 19:38)
I thought you guys might enjoy it:
God and Abraham are heading towards Soddom.
God: Soddom and Gomorrah... *SIGH* Good Grief. I've heard some pretty nasty rumors about the stuff going on there. I've got to go check this out for myself.
Abraham: You thinking of getting in some good ol' smiting action, big guy? Are you sure that's wise? What if there are some nice, decent folk living there? Would you smite them all if... say... you found 50 good people? You wouldn't be that sadistic, would you?
God: Okay... you have a point. I wouldn't kill 50 good people along with all the other evil bastards.
Abraham: Excellent! Only... well, look - I know that I'm just a piece of scummy dirt beneath your boot here, so please forgive me for my impertinence... but what if there are only 45 good people?
God: Well... sure, 45 it is then. I won't kill anybody if there are even 45 good people.
Abraham: Um... how about forty.
God: *SIGH* Fine, we'll make it forty. Now, let's go and...
Abraham: Sorry to interrupt, please don't get angry. But what about if there are 30 good people?
God: Sure, sure, 30's a nice, round number. Now why don't we just...
Abraham: But how about...
God: ME DAMMIT Abraham!
Abraham: Okay, I know I'm way out of line here... but what if you found 20?
God: Okay, if it means that much to you, I'll let it slide if there are only 20. Now if you don't mind...
Abraham: Just one more thing...
God: CHRIST!!
Abraham: Huh??
God: Oh, nevermind - that's for later. Go on...
Abraham: Please don't smite me over this... last time, I swear! What if you only find 10 good people?
God: Alright, 10 good people will be my cutoff point. Are you happy with that? Or do you want to try and talk me down to 5? Or maybe 1?
Abraham: No... I'm fine with 10. I'll go home now and leave you to it.
God: Great, glad that's settled. Later!
Abraham: Later!
So that evening two angels come into Sodom. They met Lot at the gate, who bowed to them.
Lot: I'm so happy to meet you guys! Why don't you come over to my place so you can get cleaned up and have a nice rest before heading out on your merry way?
Angel 1: Thanks for the offer, but we have plans in the city square.
Angel 2: I don't know, I could use a little R&R before heading out again...
Angel 1: We've got a job to do here, I don't think that would be appropriate.
Lot: Oh, c'mon boys! My wife's a great cook, you won't regret it!
Angel 2: Yeah! You don't always have to stick so strictly to protocol! For once let's just take it a little easy.
Angel 1: Oh fine, have it your way!
So Lot took the angels home and they had a nice meal.
Meanwhile, a little ways further into the city of Sodom, Bob and Jim notice the two angels going home with Lot.
Bob: Say, did you just see Lot bring two strangers into his house?
Jim: Sure did.
Bob: Huh. That's interesting.
Jim: Yep.
*SHORT SILENCE*
Bob: Wanna go have sex with them?
Jim: Okay.
*ANOTHER VILLAGER STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF A WINDOW*
Villager: Did I hear you say you were going to have sex with a couple of strangers over at Lot's house? I could go for some of that!
Bob: Okay, you can come along but let's just keep this to the three of...
Villager: HEY EVERYBODY!! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH A COUPLE OF STRANGERS AT LOT'S HOUSE!! WHO'S IN?
Bob: Dammit! This always happens!
So inevitably every man, young and old, gathered up together and marched over to Lot's house. Bob went up and rang the doorbell.
Lot: Who is it?
Bob: It's all the men from Soddom. We're here to have sex with your visitors.
Lot comes out of the house and closes the door behind him.
Lot: Look, guys... I know this is how you do things here - but these men are my guests and I'd just feel wrong about handing them over to you like that. How about this: I have a couple of nice, juicy virgin daughters inside. You can have them instead!
Bob: Hey, Fuck You budy! Who do you think you are? I've had enough of your little attitude! Let's get'im guys!
But before the crowd could attack, the two angels pulled Lot safely inside and made everybody in the crowd blind.
Angel 1: Well, I guess the rumors were true. The Lord's going to have to destroy this place.
Angel 2 (with his hand to his earphone): I'm getting word from the big guy right now, he says Lot should leave the city and take all his relatives including this daughter's fiancee's
Lot: Okay, I'll go get them.
Lot steps out the door and wades his way through the blind mob feeling their way about until he comes to his daughter's fiancee's. (all the men in the city, remember?)
Lot: Hey guys, the Lord's gonna destroy this place. We're skipping town. Wanna come?
Fiancee 1: No, we're good.
Fiancee 2: Yeah, like the Lord's going to destroy a city full of poor blind folk! PFFT!!
Lot: Alright then, I'm going to bed. Good luck finding your way home.
The next morning:
Angel 1: Okay people! It's action time! God's going to be destroying the city any minute, you're going to have to motor in order to get clear.
*DEAD SILENCE*
Lot: Um... couldn't he just wait until we're out of the way?
Angel 2: The big guy's pretty impatient to get this over with, I wouldn't keep him waiting too long.
*MORE DEAD SILENCE*
Angel 2: Oh for the love of Pete!
The angels drag Lot and his family outside and lead them out of the city.
Angel 1: Okay, now run for it - and don't stop or look back, just head for the hills.
Lot: Those hills are pretty far, won't the city be destroyed before we get there? There's a town nearby, how about we go there?
Angel 2 (his hand to his earpiece): The big guy confirms, he'll make sure that town's safe from the destruction.
Lot: And can I rename the city? I'd like to call it Zoar because it's small.
Angel 2: Sure, why not?
So Lot and his family ran towards Zoar as God pelted the city with burning sulfur.
Lot's Wife: Oh, wait a second honey, I think I left the oven on! I'll just head back for a second and.... uh-oh, now I'm turning to salt. That was kind of a silly move on my part, boy is my face r....
Lot: Honey.... Honey??.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Next morning Abraham goes to where he'd had his earlier conversation with God. He saw that the land was a charred post-apocalyptic wasteland. But God had kept his promise and didn't destroy Lot and his family because they were good people.
Lot soon left Zoar, the people there weren't much better than the Sodomites and he was afraid. So he took his daughters to live with him in a cave. (In all fairness, it was a nice cave)
They were happy there for a while, but the daughters soon got bored.
Eldest Daughter: I hate this place, if only there were a man around to have fun with.
Younger Daughter: I know, this sucks.
Eldest Daughter: Y'know... dad's not a spring chicken, he probably won't get a chance to remarry up here. It would be nice if he could have a son and continue his lineage.
Younger Daughter: Yeah, that's really true.
*SHORT SILENCE*
Eldest Daughter: Wanna get him drunk and have our way with him?
Younger Daughter: Kay!
Eldest Daughter: Great! I'll go first, you can have your crack at him tomorrow night!
Younger Daughter (pouting): Why do you get to go first?
Eldest Daughter: Because I'm older.
Younger Daughter: Fine, but he'll have a better time with me!
Eldest Daughter: I wouldn't bet on it!
With that the daughters stuck their tongues out at each other and put their plan into motion. They each got their father drunk, had sex with him, and left before he could find out.
The eldest daughter had a son named Moab, who became the father of the Moabites. The younger daughter had a son named Ben-ammi, who became the father of the Ammonites.
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